Morning Elastic Protocol

I slipped past the loose porch screen for some crisp outdoor air and immediately locked targets on the rolled morning newspaper resting across the doormat like an oversized cardboard mortar. Holding it hostage was a heavy-duty blue rubber band. Walking past that kind of high-tension temptation is completely against my personal code. I wedged my combat boot under the thick elastic, got both gloved hands around the fold, and gave a mighty upward shove. TWANG! The elastic snapped sideways like a guitar string, catapulting me into an unscripted airborne spin that stuck a flailing landing right across the bristly welcome mat. The headline is still a mystery, but the stunt work was absolute box-office gold.