I got you on that soda
Title: “Officer Nae Nae – ‘I Get It, But…’” [Bodycam-style. OFFICER NAE NAE walking up, already talking—viewer is the “thug.”] OFFICER NAE NAE: Alright, alright—hey… don’t even start. I can already tell what kind of day you had. (pause, listening) Nah, I believe you. I do. Vending machine took your dollar… job got you stressed… people been testing you all week— (nods slowly) Yeah. That’ll build up. (leans in slightly) But you dropkicked it though? (pause, reacting) No, no—I’m not saying it didn’t deserve it. I’m just saying… you did it in front of three witnesses and a security camera in 4K. (sighs, softer tone) Look… I get it. For real. Everybody got a breaking point. (pause, listening, then nodding deeper) Yeah… yeah, I hear you. (quietly) C’mere, man. (leans in like giving a one-sided hug) It’s alright… I know. (pulls back, claps hands once, back to business) Okay. So boom—here’s where we at. (points gently at viewer) You not wrong for feeling how you feel… (beat) …but you are wrong for assaulting a vending machine. (pause) Yeah. That’s a sentence I never thought I’d say either. (starts pacing slightly) And see, this the part I don’t like… ‘cause if it was up to me? (leans in) You’d be at home right now with a cold grape soda and a nap. (pause, listening, then small smirk) Exactly. (straightens up) But it’s not up to me. (points to badge) This right here? Yeah… this says I gotta do my job. (gentler) So what I need you to do… is go ahead and turn around for me. (pause, nodding approvingly) There you go. See? You making this easy. (mimics cuffing) I appreciate you. (softer, almost apologetic) I’m sorry, man. For real. (pause) Yeah… I know. (starts walking, gesturing “come on”) Hey—listen… (leans toward camera slightly) I got you on that grape soda though. (beat) Not from that machine. That machine got enemies. (shakes head, walking off) Whole menace to society…