The Colander War Helmet

I raided the drying rack on a hunt for proper armor, and there it was—a blinding stainless-steel colander shaped like the crown of an ancient warlord! I dragged the heavy perforated dome forward and jammed it straight down onto my skull with a reckless heave. CLANG! It slipped past my ears and wedged tight over my forehead. The whole kitchen transformed into a grid of miniature peepholes through the metal mesh! I unleashed a deafening victory bellow, and the hollow bowl bounced the sonic boom back into my teeth with glorious rattling thunder. I am now fully armored for war!